ATTEN-HUT!

SPECIAL AMAZING SUPER BONUS SUICIDE SQUAD ORDERS FROM "THE WALL" HERSELF!!!

MISSION ONE:

It looks like Agent Sims of The Invincible Super-Blog has survived the perils of the Ambush Bug without losing an arm and has moved on to MISSION: TWO and our most dangerous foe yet. Come back alive, team.

I just received a pair of bloody, fluffy bunny ears in the mail, signaling the completion of MISSION: THREE by Agent Ragnell of the Written World cell. Your country salutes you.

There's a man what hails from Ye Olde Comick Booke Blogge, a man known simply as "Jake." We only send him after the most vile scum imaginable. He's promised me a necklace of human teeth when he returns from MISSION: FOUR. If he returns.

Agent "BeaucoupKevin" Church was supposed to take point on MISSION: FOUR, but he got hammered again and wandered off into the jungles of Florida where he ran into and stealthily garotted the nefarious Drinker. Good work soldier. You've graduated to the Rehab Squad.

It's a shame we had to activate our Chewable Toys Agent Jack Ketch's explosive bracelet. Let him be an example of what happens when you try to run. On the upside, Agent Ketch was able to to eliminate the only bear on our death list, successfully completing MISSION: 2000AD.

Agent Dave Ex Machina returned this morning from MISSION: YELLOW , soaked to the brim with equal parts machine oil and urine. He toppled a South American banana republic and destroyed a batch of super-deluxe Urinator robots. All before lunch. You just bought two years off of your 56 consecutive life sentences. Congratulations.

Sadly, Agent Philip Looney has been listed as KIA after he failed to stop the dreaded Cannibal of Riverdale. His left hand, found partially eaten and stuffed in between two hamburger buns, is all that remains of the brave soldier. The people of Poptown! USA will surely miss you. MISSION S will be redesignated at a later date.

During his stint as a costumed criminal in Gotham City, Dwayne earned the nickname "The Canoe Guy" because of his deadly skill with small boats. He has yet to report back from MISSION: WARPATH , but it's not often he lets a mission go unfinished. His Matching Dragoons have ventilated many a third-world dictator.

Agent Matt from the Geek Casual cell reports problems containing Subject H. MISSION: ??? seems to be a bust for now. All agents be advised, Subject H is shiny. Repeat. Very shiny. Special goggles can be checked out of requisitions room 2B that will help prevent blindness. That is all.

It's a sad day for us at Task Force-X when a member voluntarily blows his own arm off attempting to escape. But don't worry, we'll have Agent Josh "Empty Space" Krach all cyborged up and ready to tackle MISSION: YELLOW II in no time at all.

A while back, civilization as we know it was almost destroyed when three of the most terrifying beings ever to to walk the face of the Earth teamed up to jumpstart the apocalypse. We sent a team in and they successfully completed MISSION: TENTACLED BEEFCAKE KITTEN , but only one man returned. That man was Agent Dorian, codename: PostmodernBarney. Though now hopelessly insane, Agent Dorian is still a whiz with explosives. Go get'em, soldier!

Agent Steven Padnick calls his secret weapon "The Roar of Comics," whatever that means. We don't know what this weapon does, but one thing's for certain- it's somehow reduced every single one of his targets to a gooey pile of bubbling, snot-like material. MISSION: BULLPOSSIBLE will be no walk in the park, though. This time Agent Padnick faces a villain so ruthless, so without pity or remorse that he was kicked out of the Secret Society of Supervillains. And this was back when crazy-ass alternate-dimension Luthor was running the show. Our prayers will be with you, sir. Godspeed.

Agent Sleestak had second thoughts about taking on MISSION: BREAK WIND , but we assured him the target needed elimination. When he came back, Sleestak had been transformed into a reptilian being that could only communicate by uttering the phrase "Lady That's My Skull" over and over again in a high-pitched squeal. We have no idea what horrible experiments were performed on this brave agent. No longer fit for field service, he now works in accounting.

It became clear that Agent Dorian needed to be dealt with. Agent Mike "Progressive Ruin" Sterling handles any in-house problems. And he usually operates with deadly efficiency. Unfortunately, before we could send him on MISSION: POSTMORTEMBARNEY, he was found stuffed into a woodchipper on the grounds of a trailerpark just outside of Sacremento. Agent Dorian is still at large.

Agent "Blog This, Pal!" Gordon is one of the few who can call themslelves veterans of Task Force-X. He's done pretty much every horrible thing imaginable, but always with an impeccable sense of professionalism. When we told him about MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE MUSCULATURE , he began to grin and foam at the mouth with excitement. We can feel only pity for his target.

Word On the Street is that Dr. Sordid likes to torture his targets before offing them, so we only plan on sending him after the most despicable villains the world has to offer. If MISSION: IMPROBABLE goes well, his next target will be Kajagoogoo.

Several Attempts were made to contact Agent Stephen Frug, but none were successful. We can only assume MISSION: GET FLUFFY did not go as planned and hope that he didn't suffer too much as the deadly snow bunnies of Kilamanjaro tore him to pieces with their terrible claws.

Agent Erich has vowed to kill Madam Fatal with a Fish-Flavored Baseball Bat. Agent Erich is crazy, so we usually just ignore his ranting and up his dosage. This time we think he's serious, so we've authorized MISSION: TRANS.

When "The Canoe Guy" never returned we sent a search party after him. All we found was a creepy room filled with time travel equipment and a huge chalkboard covered with incomprehensible scribbling. The best we can tell, he decided to go back in time and kill his grandpa or something. Oh, well. Hope he doesn't create any weird time paradoxes that would destroy the universe.