Essential X-Men vol.3 Week: Life Lessons with Wolverine

Word.

Essential X-Men vol.3 Week: Eat Hot Lead, Sucker!!

This has to be my favorite panel from the entire volume-

Essential X-Men vol.3 Week: Don't Ignore the Warning Signs

Poor judgement.

Deterioration of social relationships.



Abuse of alcohol.

Flirtation with violent behavior.

Extreme highs and lows.

Marked changes in sleeping patterns.

Deterioration and/or abandonment of personal hygiene.

If a mutant you know is suffering from mental illness, seek help.
And remember-
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Essential X-Men vol.3 Week: Merry Mutant Mundanity

CYCLOPS. STORM. NIGHTCRAWLER. WOLVERINE.

COLOSSUS. CHILDREN OF THE ATOM, STUDENTS OF
CHARLES XAVIER. MUTANTS -- FEARED AND HATED
BY THE WORLD THEY HAVE SWORN TO PROTECT.
THRILL AS THEY--

Have a late breakfast,




do their taxes,




play some cards,




enjoy a delicious sandwich,




catch up on some bills,

relax in front of the tv,




celebrate the birth of a loved one.





See. Mutants are regular people too.

Essential X-Men vol.3 Week: Bulletproof Baldy

In celebration of finally having read the damn thing after 4 years, I present-

Essential X-Men vol.3 Week

Let's kick this thing off with a look at everyone's favorite mutant master of the mind.

Did you know that Prof. X -

was impervious to small arms fire?

from Uncanny X-Men #161

Aryan, Shmaryan! - or Ben Grimm Hits Stuff pt.3

When we meet our hero in Marvel Two-In-One #20, he' s been thrown back in time by an unusually zaftig Watcher to find a lost vibranium cylinder. This being a Roy Thomas story, it's 1942 and there're lots of Nazis to fight.

Taking a break from freaking people out in Times Square, Ben decides to check out that extra-crazy, giant metal swastika that's flying around lopping off the tops of skyscrapers.

Who does he find piloting the craft? Only the most arrogant, disembodied Nazi scientist brain this side of Ultra-Humanite - Brain Drain!

Exactly how many evil brains in jars are there anyway? I can think of at least ten or eleven.

Ben does the sensible thing and begins pounding the craft into little metal bits. Brain Drain, of course, flips out and demands to know what the hell is going on.

Like any good hero, Ben just loves flashbacks and expository dialogue. So after a few pages, Brain Drain's entirely caught up. Just in time for him to land his craft and let some of his super-powered Nazi friends jump the Thing. Ben gets smacked around for a few panels before he decides to let loose and bust some Aryan heads.

Maybe they should've called it Marvel Three-In-One. Ha!

Hmmm...Yeah.

So anyway, Ben gets a couple of more good punches in-

before the Liberty Legion arrives to mop up. He retrieves the vibranium cylinder and heads back to good ole' 1976. All is well.

and for no good reason whatsoever-

A Sound Effect Tally
THRAKK!
SWRASH!
THLRAP
WHAM
RRIPPP
WHOMP!
PHOOM
THAM (twice)
FWAM
RAK!RAK! (twice)
SLAM! (twice)
THAKKAKOOM!
WOM!
PTING
KTING
KROK
PAKK!
SOK!
SPOK
THKOW!
POW
WAK
SKOK!
TWOP!
PHAM!
VRUM

52 Romance Redux: Nothing Lasts Forever

Ramona Fradon is the Ginchiest!

-from The Brave and the Bold #57
Poor Java. I get a dull ache in my jaw just looking at that. TwoMorrows Publishing really needs to put a book out on this lady. Until then, read this.

They Say Heroes are Only as Good as Their Villains

Let's put the New Guardians to the test.

Hmm...

I don't know...







Alright. That decides it.




The $2.00 I paid for a complete run of New Guardians was totally worth it for that quote alone.

More Silver Age Fun with MS Paint!

originally from Justice League of America # 51

Silver Age Comics That Should Have Been

originally from The Flash # 175

Ben Grimm Hits Stuff pt.2

"Wow! Dr. Doom takes a right cross to the metallic kisser on the first page! Already, I'm wetting my pants in anticipation of the glorious, trash talk laden battle that is surley to follow. The succinct, to the point, dialogue. The boldly decisive heroes. This Chris Claremont fellow has a bright future at Marvel."

These were the thoughts running through my sleep-deprived brain as I turned the first page of Marvel Two-In-One # 9 only to witness one of my biggest comic book let downs of recent memory.

The whole thing was a friggin' puppet show.

Granted, it was an evil puppet show. Performed by the believed dead Puppet Master. But still a puppet show.

Denied an umpteenth, but always entertaining, FF/ Doom smackdown, I bravely continued on. I figured the Herb Trimpe art might, at least, be worth it. Besides, real or not, that punch still counts as far as I'm concerned.

Well, it turns out Ben Grimm just happens to be in the audience. And, like me, he's not too impressed with the show. I was just about ready to shift into skimming mode when I noticed who else was sitting next to our hero. Wundarr! I had totally forgotten about Wundarr. That explains why they're at a show for kids. I still don't know why Namorita and some other, regular chick are along, but I am reading these out of order.

I know this next panel doesn't show anyone getting pummeled by the Thing, but for some reason it made me burst out laughing. Probably for all the wrong reasons. I'm pretty sure Claremont meant for this to be charmingly amusing in the same way as those scenes from A Hard Days Night where the Beatles get swarmed by screaming teenaged girls.

I thought it came across as not only unintentionally creepy, but a little sad. Which, in my mind makes it ten times funnier. The dopey kid seems a little too proud of the fruits of his violence and it looks like the Thing could very well be getting kicked to death by a bunch of smiling kids. And Wundarr. Oh god. The helpless look of confusion on Wundarr's face and the implied trepidation in his voice. It almost makes you want to cry. This may very well be the most emotionally confusing panel I've ever read. I actually felt a little bad for laughing so hard.

For those of you who still can't see how totally wrong this scene is- just remember that Wundarr is a pretty much a child. Imagine the Robin Williams movie Jack, but more cosmic . Try to picture little Franklin Richards standing there and uttering the same dialogue. It's basically the same thing. Although, I have to say, that would actually be even funnier.

Anyway, it's no time at all until random guest star of the month, Thor, gets roped into the Puppet Master's nefarious plot. Unable to fight off the effects of that darn mind-controlling radioactive clay, he of the golden locks busts into FF headquarters to wupp some ass. In nearly no time at all, Thor proceeds to pound Reed, Sue and Johnny into so much blue-jumpsuited paste.

He comes to his senses of course, realizes that the clay puppet controlling him must have the shape of Thor, and reverts to mere mortal Donald Blake- thereby freeing himself from the Puppet Master's control. He runs off after administering some very shoddy looking first aid to the fallen FF and warning Ben about the villain. In a sequence that makes zero sense, Blake turns back into Thor right after leaving and once again is forced to return and kill the FF.

This is where it starts to get awesome. Thor gets the first few hits in. He puts Ben in some kind of Asgardian headlock, throws him several hundred feet down to the sidewalk and then lands on his chest. The Thing takes a dead center hit from Thor's frost giant-slaying uru hammer and just %#&*ing shrugs it off! All it does is piss him off enough to send pretty boy flying head first thru a nearby wall.





Verily, the Odinson doth have needst of corrective spinal surgery!


Thor soon comes to his senses and it's no time at all before the heroes combine their limited brain power to track down the Puppet Master and ruin all his hard work. But not before we get to see Wundarr the musclebound man-child lay down some hurt.


Flying elbow or bitch-slap? You decide. Either way, that scene is one hundred kinds of wrong.

His Secret Shame

What if Nimrod. . .

Was a Furry?

Oh What I wouldn't Give for a "Hunger Dogs" Coloring Book

Looking back over my first week of posts, I've come to realize that I love four things above all else-

1. Ellipses
2. Exclamation points
3. Crappily executed digital manipulation of old comic book art
   
4. Jack Kirby

So, I thought, why not combine them all.

Tremble, o' lords of Apokalips, before the spindly might of. . .

MS PAINT FORAGER!!!!

For Posterity's Sake

Blockade Boy's hilarious description of poor, unfortunate criminal Archie Stryker's heartbreaking affliction, a malady known as Sal Buscema Face, has drawn attention to the woefully under-represented field of comic book medical oddities.

There are, literally, dozens of well documented cases of Nostril Kirbification.

-if not diagnosed in its early stages, N.K. can spread to other areas of the face-

As Kevin Church reported here, Ditkoitis of the Hands is a less common, though equally well known, disorder.

-in 1961, an outbreak in midtown Manhattan was barely contained-

But what about those seldom heard of comic book deformities?

What of Larsen's Foot?

- or Dermatitis Millerosis?

What can we, as responsible bloggers, do to educate the public?

I propose an ongoing, investigative and scholarly project, the goal of which would be the documentation and description of these horrible deformities.

I lay down this challenge to you, fellow bloggers - Help compile as complete a list as possible of these medical oddities. Perhaps the good doctor, over at Polite Dissent, might even tell us what real world afflictions these imagined ones most resemble.

That's so Raven!

I 've been reading the Geoff Johns Teen Titans for the last year or so, yet I've managed to remain ingorant of much of the team's classic Wolfman and Perez adventures. I even own several issues from the Judas Contract storyline that I've never really bothered to read until recently. I was a Marvel kid in the mid- 80's, so much of DC's pre-Crisis stuff I've had to read about third hand. I think I've got a decent grasp of some of the overall storypoints - Terra's a traitor, Deathstroke's a badass - you know, the basic stuff.

So in the spirit of a well rounded comics education, I've decided to bone up on my DC history, starting with the Titans. I'll work backwards until I'm ready for Bob Haney's Silver Age Titans masterclass. Before reading the comics, I decided, it might prove useful to do a little research on the characters involved.

Inspired by my friend Joe's ongoing fascination with her, I decided to start with Raven- the gothiest Titan. I'll leave you with the first thing I discovered in my quest for knowledge. . .






. . .which can be found here. Thanks to Mr. Roberts, I now have one more site to add to my favorites list.

Obey Your Thirst!

From the pages of Uncanny X-Men # 139 -

Toxic Relationships of the Golden Age

The other day I happened upon a reprinted golden age Manhunter story that was featured as a back up in an issue of New Gods. After reading it, I can say with great confidence that, much like Superman, golden age Manhunter was a huge dick.

Our story begins at the natural history museum where Paul Kirk is showing socialite Ellen Drake his latest trophy kills. After the baby seal exhibit fails to impress, it's on to the big game. . .

Yeesh! He must have shot him in the face a couple of times. That's, hands down, the ugliest tiger I've ever seen. It's wall-eyed for god's sake! I'm also pretty sure it must have been suffering from some sort of gigantism of the head before it died. Well, it's obvious to me that either Mr. Kirk gets his jollies by hunting down and killing handicapped animals, or he's just got the world's worst taxidermist.

After Ellen's wealthy father gets killed later that day by the Tiger mob during a botched jewel heist, Ellen begs Paul to hunt down the men responsible. He blows her off and she vows to get revenge herself. How does she go about tracking down one of the city's most notoriously cruel crimebosses? What genius plan does she enact to ensnare the fiend? . . .

Being the hero's girlfriend in a golden age story all but guarantees her capture. Her being incredibly stupid doesn't help things much either. And, after punching some thugs in the face and throwing some dude off a bridge, Manhunter's on the trail!

Mmm. . . Bullets. . .

Huh. Car pooling. I guess he really does care about the environment.

He's still a dick though. As proven by the following scene.

Her father's been murdered. She's got to be feeling mighty stupid for getting captured. She's tied up and helpless. But that's not enough. No. Manhunter has to humiliate her even further by leaving her for the police to find.

Wow. . . Those two really deserve each other, don't they.